Unexpected

You know, some mornings I really just would like to get up and walk to a new life. Especially on mornings like this when I think I have a few minutes before I need to go out and milk and then the dog starts retching beside me. As if that isn’t enough, she produces semi-solid grossness that no one else is going to clean up so I might as well do it so that it’s done. Then I sit back down, my mind still back in time when I had a few minutes, look at the time because I always write the time when I’m writing in a journal, which is what this is before I post it, and see it is now time to go milk. Can I just say that there are times when I just don’t want to?

Now, thirty-two minutes later, the goats are fed and watered and Zoey is milked. I’ve used the bathroom with Billy Idol in tow (which means I’m in there longer than I normally would be because I just have to get to the end of a chapter or at least paragraph). I’ve realized I didn’t put the milk away.

Now, eleven minutes later, I’ve decided to have spicy hot chocolate for breakfast and so it is on the stove now getting hot since I’ve done everything that needed to be done to get to that point.

And so it goes.

During those aforementioned thirty-two minutes, I went upstairs looking for the flannel shirt that I usually wear out to milk and feed goats. It keeps the hay another layer away from my skin and it keeps me warmer than without. As I walk into the bedroom, Paul says, “Yes?”

“Nothing,” I answer.

“Nothing?”

Yeah, nothing. I’m not looking to talk. I’m not looking for someone else to tell me where the shirt is.

I'm borrowing this picture that David posted on Facebook. If I could teleport, I would.

I almost want to say that that is what I want to do today: nothing. But it isn’t true. I want to do several things. I want to plant some seeds. I want to go to Auburn with Julia. I want to read more of Dancing With Myself. I want to go over more of my chapters. I want to ponder. I want to go letterboxing with Seth and Joseph.

A part of me does want to do nothing. It is that part of me that is tired.

I am tired of people criticizing others for behaviors and actions they themselves exhibit.

I am tired of the medical establishment doing its very best to discourage women and normalize artificial.

I am tired of trying to be something that I’m not. I am 48-years-old and I still feel that I’m living my life more for others based on what they expect rather than what I want and need.

I am tired of the constant stupid battles of life. Life is a battle but many of the battles are good because they lead to a better self. Those I can deal with because although they may lead to exhaustion, they are not the pointless battles for nothing.

Paul is tired, too. He does not like his job. He works for idiots. He would love to find another job. I would love for him to find another job. I would love for him to find a job in the west but I don’t think he wants to. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t want to because he knows how much I want to go back west.

You know, I’m about one third of the way through Dancing With Myself and it has been a very good book for me. I always liked Billy Idol. In the middle of the big hair days, he had short hair. In the middle of the big hair days, I usually wore mine braided. Yeah, not really a lot of similarity there but he dared to be different in spite of insecurities. I dared to be different but not to stand out. Am I ready now?

This is absolutely not what I was expecting for today. I was wondering how on earth I was going to contain myself because there are so many thoughts running through my mind. There still are but I’m going to let them ferment a bit.

In the meantime, I hope you have a lovely day.

Another one of those days with too many things to do...

Good morning! Yesterday was a very rainy day. Not only did it rain all day, it rained a lot. This is a good thing as I hadn’t planned any outdoor activities although Amena forgot her bag with stuff for track so I had to take it to the school and we did go to Lancaster to get Seth’s new glasses. 68.5 miles taking about an hour and a half to drive. That’s according to Google Maps and that’s about what it was because the entire trip took slightly less than two hours including dropping Amena’s stuff at school and getting Seth’s glasses. Looking at the map, there appears to be a better way to go from Quabbin Regional High School to Lancaster but I’m hoping I don’t have to worry about that any time soon in the future.

Egg dying adventures 2016. This was accomplished using a weed growing in a crack on the front steps held to the egg by a piece of nylons and boiled in red cabbage. Next time, the vinegar needs to be added much earlier.

I had planned to start a whole bunch of mini-greenhouses yesterday. Once we were home and had some lunch I brought in a bag of dirt and got out eleven empty milk/orange/water jugs. Then I went in search of the clear packing tape needed to tape the top back on and couldn’t find any. Well, I couldn’t find any I was willing to use. I have some but it is better quality than the stuff Paul comes home with and I’m not willing to use it because it costs too much and I have other things I use it for. Think letterboxes. And soap stuff. Not that starting seeds isn’t important, it is, but I’m not willing to use my tape for it. I emailed Paul to see where there might be some and he called not long before I needed to pick Amena up from practice so I didn’t go looking because there really wasn’t going to be any time for that stuff for the rest of the day. When he got home, he handed me a partial roll. I should be all set now and now the plan is to push forward after lunch today.

Ditto. Sort of. I used a flash to take this picture which wasn't the best thing to do. This and the next two were dyed with yellow onion skins. Obviously, no problems with the vinegar. The flower that made this was a primrose.

I finished Adrenalized Saturday. It turned out to be pretty good. I do think, however, that Phil was pretty clueless about the world until September 11, 2001. Because he didn’t actually write the book himself, I can’t really comment on his writing style but I can say that I learned a lot about what life is like for a super rock star. Crazy. Just crazy. For someone who really likes to stay home most of the time, I’m not sure I’d like the lifestyle much, especially when they’re on the road. I mean, yes, I would like to travel and visit places I’ve never been and some places that I have been, but I would not like to have to go from one place to the next to the next to the next with hardly any time to breathe between. I understand that it is a job for them, but it isn’t a job I would want.

More onionskin with no flash. The flower used was a hyacinth and the other egg had rubber bands around it.

I finished the Visual History yesterday as I wanted to drop both books off at the library on the way to Barre. I really wouldn’t want to live in front of a camera in order to have so many pictures. Again, I understand it’s part of the job for them. I’m just glad it isn’t for me. It was fun to look at the pictures; I used to have a couple of them on my walls.

This was from a leprechaun plant.

Now I’m reading Dancing With Myself. I don’t remember why I was looking Billy Idol up but the link for the book on Amazon showed up and I decided to check it out. If you are familiar with Amazon, you know that you can read previews of most books and I did this. Yes, it is like the beginning of Adrenalized with a few too many f-bombs, and he goes into a bit more detail than is necessary (okay, a lot more detail) when it comes to his sexual exploits, but it is otherwise well-written and he has got a vocabulary. I had to look two words up in the first fourteen pages that I’d never even heard or seen before. I’m about a fifth of the way through and I don’t think it’s going to be done in a couple days of easy reading.

I’ve been fighting off whatever ails my glands for about a week and finally they are feeling better. My throat was still sore, though without spots for which I am grateful. Still, I’d been using oregano oil diluted with coconut oil on my neck and in my ear which is wonderful stuff. This morning I decided it was time to gargle with a drop or two of oregano oil in some water. If you ever used it, you might understand why it took so long. I love oregano and use it a lot for cooking with but the oil is something else. It is HOT. Still, it does a good job of fighting off infection which is why I use the oil. Two drops in about a quarter cup of water and instantaneous relief. It isn’t completely gone, of course, and I probably should do it again in a few hours, but so much better. Why did I wait?

Now it is time to go milk Zoey.

All done. Weather reports for today indicated a high of 45° with lots of wind. I can believe both. I really would like to get out and do some hiking, as would Joseph to get more miles logged, but I really don’t feel like being out in the wind. Tomorrow is supposed to be nice and Thursday is as well with a 20% chance of rain. I think we’ll be able to get out one or both of them. Since Seth has decided where he would like his letterbox planted, we have that as one of our goals. Or a part of one, anyway. I know where I’d like to plant Papa’s as well but I’m thinking about planting it on his birthday since it’s coming up relatively soon. There happens to be the 10^th Annual Plant a Letterbox Day on the 24^th of May. Since that is a Tuesday, they suggest planting earlier and not listing until the 24^th. That would work. On the other hand, I might just decide to do another one and plant and list Papa’s on his birthday. We shall see. In any case, I have carving medium and I just did some reading up on LTC (letterbox trading cards) so there are lots of things to keep my touchy-feely creativity busy.

There is a project to keep my mental creativity busy as well. In spite of the fact that I never felt like I really fitted in growing up in McCloud, which is probably more a case of my being somewhat introverted than my lack of being Catholic or Italian, I am glad that I did grow up there. It is such a beautiful area and I had one of the best English and Spanish teachers I could hope for in high school. I have been working on my story about Hywel and Cailín for probably too long and feel it is time to get it out there. With my two usual proofreaders not able to help, I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do but one night when I was getting ready for bed “Mrs. Brickell” popped into my head. What a brilliant idea! I contacted her via Facebook and she indicated she’d be willing to take a look. I am somewhat chagrinned now that I overused thing/s which happens to be one of her pet peeves. It isn’t something I’d even thought to consider but now that I have, there seem to be very few instances when thing or things is a good word choice.

In other words, I have much to keep myself occupied between revisions, stamp carving and all things letterboxing in general, and planting. Not to mention school for the boys and other mundane activities such as laundry and eating.

In other news, Grandma is now connected and on Facebook! How exciting!

Have a terrifical day!

Today's Blurb

Good morning! It is cold (even I will agree that 35° is, indeed, cold) and rainy and if it weren’t for swollen, tender glands just below my right ear, I might give in to the very tempting thought of hot chocolate. Maybe tea. It just is the right kind of day for hot chocolate, a fire, and a book or two along with a manuscript perhaps. Of course, there is the slight issue of school for Seth and Joseph. Also, we really need to venture out to Lancaster to pick up Seth’s new glasses; the poor child needs them desperately.

This is from the Pack 12 hike Saturday. Joseph is one of the few to make it all the way across the river. I'd like to go back when the ground isn't quite so soggy (my feet got wet).

I am thirty pages from the end of The Cultural Life of the American Colonies unless I decide to read the bibliography which I might just do because some of the notes the author included are quite interesting. Yes, I already took a peek. My notetaking has fallen off but I think it’s because there isn’t quite as much information in these last chapters as there was in the first. Ironically, I think it is the information in these last chapters that might prove to be more useful.

Seth and Joseph did not finish their school work yesterday in time to go to the LEGO Club at the library. I got a text about 4:30 saying that one of the books I requested was in. Because the library is not open today, and wouldn’t have been open late enough for me to stop by when I went to pick up Amena, I decided to run out then. Turns out that not just one of the books was in, all three were! Holy cow. So now I have three new books to read by April 14 as well as finish The Cultural Life. I don’t think it will be too difficult. One of the books is The Definitive Def Leppard Visual History and I went through almost half of it this morning before I got busy with dishes and other such domestic things. One of the other two, Adrenalized: Life, Def Leppard, and Beyond is by Phil Collin with Chris Epting and is a quick read even if it isn’t quite as cohesive as I’d like. It’s somewhat choppy (which one might surmise from my comment about cohesiveness—why do I repeat myself?) and, in my opinion, has far too many f bombs in the first chapter of 45 pages which leads me to believe there most likely will be throughout. The third, Dancing With Myself is, as one might expect, by Billy Idol. I’m saving it for last because I read a few pages on amazon.com and from what I read, I think I like his style and will find it quite readable. Before I can get on with any of that, I have to finish a chapter in The Cultural Life. Then I’ll read another chapter of Phil and then the last chapter of The Cultural Life. Then I’ll see if want to read the bibliography. If I do, I will after another chapter of Phil.

Joseph is just about done with his cobra stick bomb. He learned how to do them at his den meeting Tuesday and he did this Wednesday morning. The video didn't work.

The things we do in the name of research. Yes, I do like Def Leppard and Billy Idol but yes, I really am reading these books for research.

In the meantime, there are only seven minutes until school for the boys so it’s time to be off doing other things.

Have a splendiferous day!

I was going to call this "Happy 1st Day of Spring" but "Hells Bells" has a certain ring to it

Good morning! At 5:05 this morning, after noticing Amena was already in the shower and waking Cedric up, I got the call that there would be a two hour delay for Quabbin Regional School District and that there may be no school at all. I heard the snow plow go by a couple of times and noticed that the snow was still coming down at 7:00 so I resisted making sure Cedric was getting up and at 7:05 the call came that there will be no school today in QRSD. That’s fine with me.

This is why no school today. I like it. Seth already voluntarily shoveled a path out to the barn. Now he and his brothers are playing with LEGOs upstairs.

Yesterday afternoon Cedric was messing around with my phone, watching things like The Walking Dead and Vikings and playing racing games. Dan usually calls Sunday afternoon and Cedric was under instruction to answer if he did. Well, he did. Twice. At 4:48 and 5:03. And Cedric didn’t answer. I spoke to him about it this morning and he said that the phone didn’t make any noise indicating a call and that nothing showed up on the screen. I suppose that is possible, sometimes, if you are watching something, nothing does show up. So I guess the rules will have to change to no phone until Dan calls.

This is why.

Message received from Dan on Sunday, March 20, 2016, 8:20 pm, duration of 50 seconds (cell phones are great because they give you all this information):

“Pam, I can be texted if you want to tell me someday the plans of visitation.

“And I’d like to talk to my children.

“When you’re not goin’ to be there, when you can’t answer the phone so I can talk to my kids, why don’t you guys call me so I can talk to my kids. I pay my child support. All kinds of crap has been going on for twenty-odd years. Who knows how… how long in hell.

“What if I was in your position and you were in my position? What if? Think: what if? How would you want me to treat you if you couldn’t see your kids and if I was cuttin’ you off from your kids?

“Hells bells.”

Hells bells indeed. I wish I could accurately depict the tone of voice because that really adds to the whole message.

My response via text: “It is late and I am going to bed so I will not answer my phone or respond to any texts tonight. It just so happens that Cedric had my phone and for some reason chose not to answer. I will have the boys call tomorrow. If you want to talk to me, you will need to choose your words more carefully because I do not have to put up with verbal abuse from you or anyone.”

I’d have them call right now but it is three hours earlier and even though I’m awake and often up at 5:26 in the morning, I would not necessarily want to be receiving phone calls. Unless you are one of the very few people I wouldn’t mind receiving one from.

It is very tempting to break the message apart and refute each piece but I am not going to do this. I will say that I’m not sure what crap he’s referring to that has been going on for twenty-odd years. Certainly not anything regarding visitation with Laura, Joanna, Daniel, Amena, Cedric, Seth, and Joseph because we’ve only been divorced for less than ten.

If he’s referring, which he wouldn’t be, to the verbal abuse, then, yes, it has been going on for twenty-odd years.

Our weekend was pretty good. Joseph and Seth and I went on the Pack 12 hike at Rome Conservation Area in Gardner. I did not know it even existed. It’s pretty rough which is nice. We actually did some walking in Winchendon as well and stopped at a creek/river/running water for snacks and then went back. We went out early and planted Joseph’s letterbox. We picked up the flea in the letterbox we were searching for as a pack.

This is an awesome tree trunk we saw on our hike Saturday. It is also a clue for the letterbox that the Cub Scouts found.

Cedric was at a Troop 12 campout in Ashburnham. They went to New Hampshire for some orientation hiking using compasses. Each boy was in charge of a section and Cedric said that for one part, they were literally walking in circles and on the third time past a pile of wood, he and another boy mentioned that they’d passed it twice.

Yesterday I left church early to pick Cedric up and cooked corned beef for lunch. Family Home Evening was pretty good-we talked about things that we know about our parents and grandparents. It’s nice to have grandparents and parents alive so we can ask them questions. There are a lot of things I’d love to ask my dad, his parents, Papa, and some of the great-grandparents that I knew growing up. Heck, there are things I’d like to ask Daniel. We need to get to know people while they are still with us in this mortal plane of existence because once they, or we, are gone, it’s kind of too late.

Anyway, have a fantastic first day of spring!

Just a little PS. Cedric had the phone for the first two calls Dan made yesterday. I'm not sure why no one heard the last call which resulted in the message but we didn't. Seth called just a few minutes ago (maybe 15 [I'd look but my phone is currently charging]) and got no answer.

Love Your Bank

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. It was a busy day and that usually equates good. It certainly means there is less time to dwell on the unpleasant aspects of life.

Amena and Cedric were ready for school in good time and did not miss the bus. That’s always a good start to the day. Seth and Joseph did not dilly dally and got their school work done quickly. I still need to go over their math but that’s on me, not them.

We had the sisters over for lunch. I cooked up some liver and onions because they said the week before they’d never had it and were willing to try. They were good sports about it and ate it but I don’t think they are lovers of it. We also had mini pizzas which were good with cinnamon and orange rolls with hot chocolate for dessert.

After lunch, we started reading The Horse and His Boy and the boys finished up what they needed to for school. Then there was LEGO club at the library at 3:00. Seth wanted to go and then didn’t want to. He and Joseph both ended up going and had fun. I had fun as well; I got to knit a few rows on the socks I’m currently working on and visit with Louise Nally.

Then Amena wanted to go to the bank so she could cash the money order Dan sent for a belated birthday. That was fine because I needed to go get some candy for the Pack Meeting. We got there and went inside because it’s always such a pain to do these things at the drive through. Maybe we should have done that instead yesterday because first the woman couldn’t read my last name. Then, I had a brain freeze and couldn’t remember my account number. We had to go into this woman’s office. She said to Amena, “You don’t have an account here?”

“No.”

“Do you want to open one?”

“Not now,” I said. I was already annoyed; this was taking far longer than I anticipated.

“Okay.”

She asked my name twice, wrote it down, looked up my account number, I was off by one numeral. She needed to look at my driver’s license to “update.”

Right. She wanted to make sure I was who I said I was because she couldn’t read my name (the pens at the bank are fine tipped and I can’t write big with a fine tipped pen and my writing is soooo messy—insert huge eye roll here) and I got my account number wrong.

“It’s outside.”

“Oh.”

So I went out to the car to get my planner and I took my time. No way on earth was I going to hurry at this point; the trip had already taken about ten times longer than the previous day when I took Seth and Joseph to cash theirs. I got back and she scanned my license. Then she went to get Amena’s money. While she was gone, I told Amena that I’m ready to close my account there and open one somewhere else—maybe GFA because they have a branch in Hubbardston as well as Gardner.

Finally, we were done. But I’m not.

While we were initially waiting, the first woman to help us was clearly under stress. She had taken Amena’s money order and after asking where it originated (really?) had her computer freeze up for apparently not the first time that day. That happens; it’s called technology. The system was slow when I was in with Seth and Joseph the day before. So she had the woman who couldn’t read my name come help. While we were waiting for her to tell me she couldn’t read my name, the first one was helping customers at the drive up window. With a frozen computer, she gave one customer a handwritten receipt or whatever they call the things they give you when you make a deposit. Cool. The next person gave her some money and she  misplaced some of it. “You gave me $100?”

“$75.”

“$75? I only have $60 here.” She looked around frantically and found the other $15 to the side. I’m not sure if that ever was fully resolved. I do know that when Blind Bat came over to talk to us, Slippery Fingers said, “I’ve got three messed up transactions and I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Wow. On our way to Blind Bats office, I’m thinking that any confidence I may have had in this bank is pretty much gone. I mean, once I took one of the boys in to cash a money order from Dan and this cashier wouldn’t do it because I don’t have the same last name as my child and I could be anyone. I had my child with me at the time and I had identification but I had no proof that my child was indeed my child. I later witnessed this same cashier cash the same money order for Paul without child, ID, or proof of relationship to the child. Adding the whole experience of yesterday to this one and others and I think this just isn’t really a place I want to have my money, what little there is.

Finally done at the bank, we went to Walmart so Amena could get a few things and I could get a couple bags of candy. Then time to grab a quick bite for dinner and get Joseph and myself to the Pack Meeting.

Do you like the random pictures? I took this one this morning.

We walked in and there were so few people there I thought maybe it had been moved to another date or time or place. I had all this candy and a plan to go with it but without lots of parents there, it really wouldn’t be effective. We started fifteen minutes late, didn’t do my thing, and ended half an hour early. Pretty cool other than the fact there were just so few people there. I didn’t count but I think attendance was about fifty percent.

Then Joseph and I went home and it was time to do our before-bed routine and get to bed.

Paul got home just after everyone was finally in bed (Cedric took forever) and was in a talkative mood. He likes to talk, and I like to talk to him, but he isn’t usually so garrulous when he gets home. And it wasn’t just for a few minutes. It was more like an hour and a half.

Which seriously cut into my reading time. I needed to read last night so I did once Paul finally went up to his office but not as much as I’d hoped to because I was tired and needed to get to bed.

And that’s that. It will be time to milk soon and I’ve got a few notes to write down from my reading yesterday. I think today will be a busy day but it has the potential to be a very good one.

Have a terrific one!

Think up your own title.

So far, I’ve begun this three times. Third time’s a charm, right? After all, it is St. Patrick’s Day, right? So I keep telling myself.

Yesterday I was looking forward all day to my quiet hour once everyone was in bed. It is no good looking forward to things some days because disappointment will be the only result. Why? Because life happens.

I let Cedric get some Mountain Dew yesterday. I shouldn’t have. He let his brothers have some and I should really not have allowed that to happen. Even though I put a MD consumption curfew in effect at 6:30, the behavior clearly indicated too much had already been ingested. Furthermore, Joseph, once it was bedtime and beyond, had to go to the bathroom numerous times and with only five minutes between trips.

This warranted a bit of research and I discovered that this can be normal in children and that caffeine contributes to the problem. Isn’t that interesting? I shared this discovery with Joseph on his way to bed after his last trip and he voluntarily decided that he is not going to have any soda with caffeine again.

Every so often, once a day or so, I get a new pictures on my computer when I open it up. Today this is what I get. I like this one. I think I might like to jump right in. The time is what it is because I had to put it to sleep so I could get a screen shot. :)

After that I was going to begin reviewing a chapter of Hywel and Cailín but in opening Pandora, I thought I’d take a quick look at email and Facebook. Someone had shared a blog post that Michele Murch wrote. Reading that was good and yet it was terrible. It kind of put an end to my feeling creative. Such is life. It really was time to go to bed by then, anyway, so it wasn’t really a big deal. I went to bed.

This morning, I thought I could do some editing so I came downstairs and fed Kitty and Misty and put some water on to boil for tea. Then I sat down and discovered that I’d really rather go back to bed but it was too late for that so I stayed up and checked email and started writing a list of questions for the Pack Meeting tonight and stopped because I wasn’t in the mood for that. I made frosting for the cinnamon rolls I made yesterday. I thought about how it’s so easy to think that I’ll only eat fruit today in the morning but always something happens and I end up eating a bunch of other stuff that I don’t even need. Today I thought that I’d stick to fruit and eggs but when I went to cook an egg realized that the cast iron frying pan is a mess and needs to be cleaned before being used and I didn’t feel like it. I did have a pear that was very good.

So, even on the darkest days, there is still good in the world. Joanna and Lincoln posted this yesterday after they had an ultrasound. So stinking cute! They are going to have the cutest baby girl ever! And, lucky me, I get to be her grandma (and yes, I know I have to share because she has another grandma).

Honestly, if you look up symptoms of depression, many of them are present.

However, there is much good in life and it will be time to get school started for the boys in sixteen minutes so I really don’t have time to wallow in my present state of mind. Good thing because if I am accused of not smelling or any other stupid thing that apparently comes out of thin air, I’m going to bite someone’s head off.

Hmmm.

Yeah.

Have a fantastic day!

Count Your Blessings

You know, it kind of drives me nuts thinking that next week at this time it will be 6:54. Why do we need it to be darker in the morning? Don’t the idiots who don’t put an end to this thing realize that those of us who have to get up early in the morning will be turning everything on earlier and therefore be using more energy? Perhaps those of us idiots to whom the idiots in power are supposedly subject should start writing letters, sending emails, and making phone calls. Seriously. Then I can stop wasting my time thinking about these things.

The water was so smooth yesterday. It was a beautiful morning if a bit on the humid side (when isn't it here?).

Seriously, though, yesterday was a pretty good day. Joseph wanted to go for a two mile walk so we walked down Pitcherville Road for a mile and then turned back. We found a bag on the side of the road and filled it to overflowing with bottles and cans and picked up a few more. Next time we need more than one bag because we left quite a few and there is plenty of trash to pick up as well. I need gloves next time, though.

Farther down the road, there was still a bit of slushy looking ice on this part of the swamp. With the warm temperatures we've been having, I have to admit I wasn't expecting this.

After that we did school stuff for an hour, then we had to hurry to Lancaster for Seth’s appointment with the eye doctor. His glasses are beyond repair so we’ve got to wait for his new ones to come in. He really needs a backup pair. We made good time and even though we left late, were only a minute late. We hurried home after that and made pancakes for lunch because the sisters were coming over and we had a new one and you know I have to brainwash these girls in all things birth and medical system in general as well as soap and Star Wars.

This poor tree was obviously gnawed on by local beavers at some point in its history and then cut down because they didn't finish. I kind of wonder why they didn't finish and then I wonder why the rest of the tree was just left to rot. Perhaps it was already rotting? Who knows. Makes for an interesting picture, at any rate.

We didn’t get back to school stuff until after 2:00 and then I had to leave to pick Amena up from school because she had to stay late to work on a project because we’re approaching the end of the second trimester. Seth and Joseph didn’t go to LEGO Club at the library because we’d’ve had to leave early to get Amena and they weren’t done with their work. When I got back with Amena, I just had to help Joseph with his math. So, even though there were lots of things to get in the way, school work was finished which is very good.

Today we have a short day because we might do something with Joanna or we might do something else. Whichever, we’ll do math and reading and science and then decide what to do. Actually, I’ll probably figure it out sooner than that and the weather might be a deciding factor.

On the way to pick Amena up from school yesterday and the day before, I noticed the memorial on the side of the road for Brittany. Someone has erected a white cross on the other side just a little farther east as well. I’d like to stop one of these days and see what’s up with that; it isn’t far from where we planted Amena’s letterbox last fall.

I don’t know Bob and Michele Murch beyond the fact that they live in Hubbardston and are the parents of Brittany, Griffin, and Riley but I feel for them. What they are living through right now is not fun. My prayers are for them as well as Griffin. Perhaps more about this at a later time.

Had to take a little break and check the weather; it looks like the rain should be about over and that by afternoon it should be sunny. I think I’d prefer not to go pick up bottles, cans, and trash when they’re still soaking wet from having been rained on this morning so perhaps we’ll go searching for a letterbox or go plant one. We’ve got two in some stage of readiness; I might just need to make a notebook or two.

Have a good day and count your blessings because they are present.

What I Would Say

Good morning. Life has been pretty good, more or less, but it is a somewhat sober time of year. I think this is true even more this year due the events of two weeks ago today.

Sanford Castle of Care. This is where Cedric and Joseph were. There is a walkway just at the right edge of this picture that leads to the rest of the hospital; that is where I was. We spent a lot of time in this place and met some really fantastic people.

Last night as I was driving to and fro taking Joseph to and from his den meeting and Cedric and Seth to and from their troop meeting, I had some time to think; especially since I did not wait for Cedric and Seth. The last news I heard about Griffin is that he is still not awake; he is still in a coma. Not knowing the family and being privy to specific information, I don’t know anything more than that.

Seth. I didn't get to see him for the first couple of days.

What I do know is what it was like to sit and hold the hand of my son and my daughter, who were not awake. I do know how it feels to wonder what life is going to be like when they do wake up; and even when they are, how different will things be? How different will they be? Life will never be the same because Daniel is gone, but how much different will it be? What will our new normal look like? Before they woke up there were moments when I wondered if they would but mostly I just trusted that what was meant to be would be and that I would somehow be able to deal with it.

Amena. There were a couple of weeks when I seriously wondered if she would look like she had before because there was so much swelling on the right side of her face. All the bones miraculously went back where they needed to and now you really cannot tell.

I talked to them both about those thoughts and I let them know that whatever happened, everything would be okay; even if I could not see how. To say that none of us were changed by the experience would be an untruth. Even Joseph, whose physical injuries were minor scrapes and bruises, has been changed. Seth, if he ever has an x-ray of his right arm, will have noticeable physical changes. Cedric has a scar on his head that is evidence of his physical change and he does have trouble with his memory. He knows this and I make sure his teachers are aware. Amena can’t hear very well out of her right ear. She is aware of this and at first I made sure her teachers were aware; as time goes on I let her deal with it unless it seems she needs some parental intervention. Going deeper, there are some emotional scars that sometimes break open; sometimes they just twinge a little bit, sometimes they bring back floods of minute details.

Cedric. And me. There were too many tubes and needles to hold his hand at first but I could touch him and so I did.

What I was thinking about while driving back and forth is what I would say to Griffin if I were in a position to say anything. This is more or less what I came up with.

“I don’t know you well enough to call you Dude, but that’s what I call my own children unless it’s Dudette and you aren’t that so Dude it is.

“Hey, Dude, I know you probably don’t remember me. You probably remember Amena; she is in the same grade you are and has been since we moved here when she was in second grade. You might even remember Cedric; he would see you upon occasion when you were at football practice and he was at cross country practice. He is friends with Jacob Halfrey and saw you at their house sometimes, too. I wouldn’t expect you to remember Daniel; he was in the same grade as your sister, Brittany, but he was killed in the accident we were in just before 8^th grade. Maybe he was there to welcome her to post-mortal life.

“After our accident, I would sit with Amena and Cedric. They were both in medically induced comas for a time and then they were weaned off the drugs and were allowed to slowly return to us. I don’t know if your coma has been medically enhanced or not and ultimately, I don’t think it really matters. People say you’ve been responsive; that means you are still there and you are still fighting and that is what matters. Sometimes all a person needs is rest.

“Which reminds me of a story I read. I have a reputation for liking Star Wars and I do; I love the movies and I love what was the Expanded Universe books. I also love The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit as well as Harry Potter. I happen to love a lot more books than I do movies and one of my favorite authors is James Harriet. He was a veterinarian in Great Britain and wrote quite a few books about his experiences. In one of his books, he relates the story of a sheep. I do not recall the specifics of what was wrong with the sheep, it may have been related to lambing; whatever the case, this particular ewe was not doing well. Mr. Harriet gave her what he thought was a lethal injection of a drug often used to put animals down and left. Several days later, the farmer had Mr. Harriet come and look at the animal. She was up and doing well. She’d been asleep for two or three days and apparently, that’s all she needed; rest. Human beings are quite resilient; I am praying that all you need is rest.

“No matter what, hang in there. Unless you’ve been talking to some heavenly messenger, which is quite possible, and therefore are aware of the plan, just keep on keeping on. Know that there are at least hundreds, probably thousands of people praying for you and your family.

“Know that whatever happens, life will never be the same again. I don’t mean to say that it will be bad or that you will never experience joy or happiness; just that life will never be the same as it was. Never. I know this. I live this.

“Know that whatever happens, there is a plan and you have a part in that plan; you and each member of your family. Ultimately, what I pray for is that each of you will be able to accept and embrace whatever the future holds because there will be pain and anguish, but there can be beauty and peace, as well.

“Hang in there, Dude, we’re rooting for you!”

Busy and Good

Good morning. I’m looking outside at the amount of light and I can’t help but wonder why we must continue with these pointless time changes. This weekend we will be springing forward. To what end? Rather than 5:53 right now, in a week it will be 6:53. It makes getting up harder and getting to bed more difficult. There no longer is any purpose for the change so I really believe it is time to give it up. Most of Arizona, parts of Indiana, and Hawaii do not observe daylight saving time and California has a bill in the works to bring it to an end.

I understand that the purpose of the time change is supposed to save energy but does it really? I’ve read that during the oil embargo in the early 1970s that thousands of barrels of oil were saved which would indicate that changing the time is successful. However, more recently, a study was done in Indiana indicating that people in that state actually spend $9 million more than they would without DST. Furthermore, and I am in agreement, those who conducted the study believe in some parts of the country, the cost may be more.

If people want to save daylight, perhaps we should follow the example of the sun—rise with it and go to bed with it. I know this would be very difficult for some people but I also know that the body really is meant to do this and if people would turn off their lights and, in the world we live in now, their electronic devices, the body would be able to shut down more effectively at an earlier hour. Try using candles at night.

Daniel's 19th Birthday Cake. I didn't want to do 19 candles so we did 4 + 7 + 4 + 4 singles. It was all good. Sure do miss him but sure am glad we have good memories and can still do things like this.

Yesterday we had to get some extra school work done because Friday turned into a school disaster. We started out on time and it only took seven minutes to get our opening exercises done and I had this lovely plan to get things done and be able to go for a walk with Julia and then the phone rang. I like the person who called and I appreciate her thoughts and words; the timing was just bad. The boys got some work done before Julia arrived but apparently turned into speed readers while we were walking because the LEGOs were out when we returned. Then it was time for lunch and then Joanna stopped by after work. By that time, I’d about given up. Joseph had actually done everything other than math. Seth had done basically nothing.

Saturday I was going to have them finish but the day just didn’t work out that way so yesterday there was extra work. I know they weren’t happy about getting it all done yesterday, especially since I decided it was time to actively begin Spanish and art (science was last week and since the library reopened the end of January, we’ve begun regular trips there). Still, in spite of Seth’s pretty major attitude (which was partially due to the less than perfect coordinates for an assignment which I should fix before Joseph gets to that point), we did everything other than read the Spanish book we were going to (and I did give them a page with shapes and what they are in English and Spanish).

"Take a picture of me, Mom. I can see just fine through this. Can you see my face?" Um, no. He actually did go out like that but his face did not remain covered for long. (This is from Saturday.)

Joanna has today and Friday off and we talked about going to see Lincoln’s mom’s shop on one of them. I’m kind of guessing it won’t be today because I forgot to ask her about it yesterday. Still, it could be. I have written into our school plans for the rest of the school year a day each week of only math and reading so we can do science experiments and go on field trips or other outings. I don’t know why I didn’t do this earlier in the school year and my plan is to initiate the practice from the beginning in the fall. If we don’t go with Joanna this week, we’ll do the flex day Thursday because Seth has an eye doctor appointment in Lancaster in the morning that will really throw our schedule off.

9:39 pm

Nothing like waiting a bit before sharing, I guess. It’s been a busy, good day. Quite a bit accomplished, although not everything on the list, including ALL school work done for a couple of boys. This is something that makes choosing to be happy much, much easier. I hope your day was productive as well, that you sleep well tonight, and that you wake up in the morning to a new and wonderful day.

Perspective

Nineteen years ago at this time, Daniel was a little baby who had just made his entrance into this cold, hard world less than six hours previously. With his birth, I was vindicated: I was not going to have a bunch of only girls. So many memories of Daniel. So many. And yet, in some ways, in many ways, not enough.

Fourteen years, four months and twenty-nine days is certainly too short a time to be amongst the living, mortal, populace of the world. On the other hand, how blessed we were to have him with us for fourteen years, four months and twenty-nine days.

Yesterday I was talking to a couple of people about perspective. For example, when I am typing these words, or any others, the cursor moves initially from the top of the page to the bottom of the page. Once the bottom is reached, the cursor moves along the bottom. When I reach the end of a line, it jumps to the left and I have space to write another line or two before, when I reach the end of a line again, it jumps to the left and I have space to write another line or two. And so it goes. If I arrange the page so that I am working near the top of the screen (which I like to do because there is slightly less strain on my neck because my eyes aren’t looking at the bottom constantly), then I can type along and type along and nothing happens until I get to the bottom of the visible page again.

Here’s the thing: when I am working at the bottom of the visible page, I can see all these lovely words that I’ve already written and, oh, aren’t they lovely? I love words. They can say so much or so little depending upon which ones are used. Working at the bottom, I don’t know how much space I have, although with technology it doesn’t really matter because as a new page is needed, it is provided; the words just continue and spill onto the next. However, working at the top, I cannot see all of those words. I can see all this empty space just waiting to be filled. The only drawback to this is that if I want to review what I’ve written, I must scroll up (which is a pain because the scroll function of my keyboard isn’t working properly). Still, there is this space, all this potential to fill this lovely space with more words.

Which is better? From a taking-proper-care-of-the-body-view, perhaps working at the top is better, and this may be different for people unlike myself who have allowed themselves to be talked into bifocals or progressive lenses or something similar. From any other perspective, I am not at all sure there is a better. I think it has more to do with personal preference. I like to see potential but I also like to see what has been accomplished so perhaps better is just a matter of perspective.

The same is true of anything in our lives. We can take any event and turn it into a good thing or a bad thing. The really amazing thing is that one day the same event we typically think of as good, may be bad, and vice versa. We are such fickle beings.

Take Daniel’s physical death. Why do we miss him; why do we mourn; why is this such a painful process? Well, we do miss him. From the time he was born, he was only with us for fourteen years, four months and twenty-nine days. We mourn the fact that he is no longer physically with us. We mourn for the loss of potential. We mourn because we love him. Do we mourn Daniel? Or do we mourn for ourselves? I would submit that we are inherently selfish. Yes, I know that many of us do good things and are good people. Maybe even most of us are. Most of us are not bad and we do not do outwardly horrible things. So what’s the deal? How are we selfish?

I know this won’t work for everyone because I know there are people in the world who do not believe that there is any kind of life after death; they believe that once you are dead, you are dead and that’s just it. How incredibly sad this view is. And how limiting. If I believed this, I tend to think that I wouldn’t care what I did. I mean, if there is nothing after this life, why do anything good? Why be good? Why not have worldly fun all the time? Why bother with learning, with being healthy, with serving others, with anything? We are, after all, very selfish. It would matter not at all if we hurt others along the way if there is nothing after this life so it would not matter what we do.

So, how are we selfish? For those of us who believe there is something after this life, and some of us believe that something has the possibility to be quite good, why would we not want to be there? If mortality is just a room in the eternal progression, and if all these horrible things happen here, why would we be sad for those of us who leave it? Because we are selfish. Because we do our best to convince ourselves that because we miss this person so much that he or she should still be with us in spite of the fact that this person is in a better place. You see, we are left behind. If we are still here, why then are they not?

It’s perspective. I know that Daniel will not experience physical pain; he has not for four years, five months and two days. And a couple hours. I am told that he died instantly. I hope this is true.

I know that Daniel is happy. He is with family and eternal friends who have gone on before. There may be a tinge of sadness because we are not with him but I think in the eternal scheme of things, it will just be a few minutes, maybe hours, before we join him even though from our perspective it will most likely be years or even decades.

Why do I still cry? Because I miss him. Why? Because I love him. But I do love him so why can I not just be happy that he is in a better place? Because I’m human and I have too many weaknesses to count and I wish I had been a better mother to him and what if I’m not good enough to get to where he is? You see, I still view this from my mortal perspective. Most of the time.

I guess the good thing is that it changes over time. This love will always be there. The missing will be there until there is no need for it to be. I need to be grateful that we had the amount of time in mortality that we did and look forward to the future.

Perspective.

Have a wonderful day.