Be Kind and Don't Let Your Perceptions Cloud Your Vision

You know that adage, “Actions speak louder than words”? I believe that to be true. However, this morning I began thinking about it in conjunction with perceptions. Our perceptions cloud our view of the world and so many times the actions we witness often do not mean what we think they do. Also, it is quite possible, because of how others perceive us, that our actions might take on a meaning that we had no intention of portraying.

For example, Paul picked up the ads that just came in the mail yesterday. The prices in them aren’t good until Sunday or Monday and I didn’t have time to take a look at them yet. He put them in a bag of stuff he took to work. I said, “Those just came yesterday.”

“Yeah?” said his voice. His tone and expression said, “So?”

“Just so you know.” I said. I really should have said what I meant, “They just came yesterday so I haven’t had time to look at them and I’d like to so I know if there is anything we could use.” I didn’t do that and so I’m left with the feeling that he doesn’t care what I want or what we could use or what we might need. That is my perception.

What did he really mean? Probably not, “I don’t care what you want or what we might need or what we could use.” I’m thinking he probably meant, “Yeah, so I’ll have lots of time to take a look when I’m on hold and can’t really do much else.”

Honestly, that second scenario is a good one because then he won’t be looking on ebay or craigslist for things. J When you spend too much time shopping, online or in person, you often end up with things that you don’t really need. I guess that’s one reason I don’t like shopping—I have always felt compelled to buy what is needed rather than wanted (and yes, I do feel that crafts are a need—they keep us sane) even though there are lots of things that I would like to get that are not needed.

Someone posted this on Facebook the other day and I had to share because it is so true.

In other news, in many ways, I am grateful to be where I am right now. Not physically, so much, but mentally. I read Michelle Murch’s blog (murchmadness.wordpress.com) and my whole body and soul ache for her and her family.

I can’t say that I’m glad the accident and our stay at the hospital are over because I wish they’d never happened. I can’t really say that I’m glad for the intervening years because they don’t lessen the fact that what happened, happened. I guess I can say that the waves have slowed down. At first, it is like being in a storm, tossed about and at the mercy of the winds and waves. You don’t know how you are possibly going to live through it but the fact that you are alive indicates chances are good that you will. Then the storm calms. The intensity of the feelings is still there but the constant buffeting has changed as if the wind has slackened. As time goes by, it is more as if there is an ebb and tide to everything. Most of the time you are able to function in a somewhat normal manner. Most of the time.

Then, suddenly, an errant wave, sometimes in the form of a tsunami, hits and you feel as if everything just happened. Seriously. There are times in the car when I feel like I am sitting in the Durango and I wonder how it happened. Will it ever go away? From what I’ve learned from others who’ve experienced the death of a child, no. It will never go away. It will continue to evolve but it will never go away. Isn’t that a cheerful thought?

On the other hand, I have come to realize that the reason we feel such pain and grief and loss is because there was such love. Which is not to say that we do not feel those when there is little or perhaps even no love, just that the intensity is much, much greater. Sometimes, when we have guilt, the grieving can be even more sharp and profound.

Some LEGO dudes that Seth took a picture of the other day. LEGOs are awesome. But they can also be a trigger because Daniel loved them. 

That brings me to other thoughts. I do feel guilt when it comes to Daniel’s death. We were in a one car accident and I was driving. I have to live with this knowledge for the rest of my life. I have no one else to blame. And yet, if it was truly Daniel’s time to graduate mortality, there is nothing I could have done to prevent it.

There are other causes of grief. If a partner (we’ll say husband) were to die and the other partner (we’ll say wife) had some harsh thoughts about her husband or had been unfaithful, or myriad other things, she may harbor feelings of guilt. And yet, if it was truly his time, there is nothing she could have done to change things.

What about the young man who was killed in an accident and the driver of the other car was drunk? Well, there would be someone to blame, wouldn’t there? Or at least a focus for our anger. Still, if it was that young man’s time, we aren’t doing ourselves any favors by refusing to forgive the drunken person.

And so it goes. Each situation is different and hopefully we do not lower ourselves to the point of judging others because there is no way we know each circumstance involved.

I hope you have a lovely day. And don’t forget to be kind.