No Words

I was perusing Facebook earlier and saw one of those posts that you never want to see. The feelings come flooding back and your heart aches for the family who will be, indeed already are, aching. Joseph said, “Why are your eyes red?”

My eyes are red because there are no adequate words to describe the feelings I have.

Another day, it is sometimes hard to believe how quickly the time passes by, the feelings are still present. As I was on my way home from picking Amena up last night, a Creed song was on the radio. It wasn’t the one I’ll post here, but it reminded me of this one. “Children, don’t stop dancin’; Believe, you can fly. . . away. . . away. . .” and “Although I hurt, I must be strong, Because inside I know that many feel this way.”

The other day, I was going somewhere, to pick Cedric and Jacob up from the school, I think, and I was listening to the radio again. Listening to the radio is difficult because I’m kind of picky about what I want to listen to and although many stations play what I like, they don’t always. So, it’s a crap shoot as to if I’ll hear something I actually want to listen to. It does happen. And this particular day, this came on. I’ve listened to this before and I’ve cried because some of the words perfectly describe how I feel. “I love you, I’ve loved you all along, And I miss you, Been far away for far too long. I keep dreaming, You’ll be with me and you’ll never go…”

On this particular day, I was thinking about how Daniel might feel. I know he has an eternal perspective now that I don’t because I’m still here and he isn’t, but when the song came to, “I’ll forgive you…” it was like Daniel speaking. That was powerful. It still is. I needed that because there still is, and might always be while I’m alive, a piece of me that can’t forgive myself. I know that there is a reason for everything and I do not believe in consequence. I know that I don’t know everything but I know that if I do everything I need to, I will be able to be with Daniel again. If I did not know this, I would “stop breathing (because) I don’t see you anymore.”

This morning while I was looking for that video to share with you, I ran across this one. I had never watched the official video because I like to think I don’t have time to just sit and watch videos; most of the time I really don’t. Still, I watched this and it’s almost perfect. The girl goes through life seeing her father at all these important milestones but it turns out that he really wasn’t there, she was seeing the ghost of what could have been. That is something that I, and every other parent who has a child graduated from mortality, must live with every single day. In spite of what I believe and know, I still miss what could have been.

Yesterday I asked Cedric how Nick is. Nick is Jacob’s brother. He got cancer and has been fighting the fight but is losing. Cedric said, “He’s bad; he can’t even move.” Amena reported that the friend of a friend said that he might not make it through the night two nights ago. Yesterday on Facebook, his mom reported that he’d be earning his angel wings soon. My heart aches.

More Words (and Pictures)

Good morning. Yesterday was one of those okay days that was really ridiculous. One of those days when you see someone with only two children and you think they’ve got it easy.

Today is Seth’s birthday. Because Amena works this evening and Paul has a hard time getting home at a reasonable hour, I asked Seth when he would like to have his family party. He said Saturday which is completely fine. If it’s the choice of the person whose birthday it is to celebrate on a day other than the actual day of birth, I’m completely okay with it. If it is chosen because it’s easier for those who might want to be there, I’m not so okay with it. His choice; completely okay.

Paul likes to do birthdays on Sunday because everyone is home, blah, blah, blah. Only problem with that is that I hate doing birthdays on Sunday just because it’s convenient. That’s why we have three day weekends and I wrote letters to my representatives about that many years ago. I can understand why, I just don’t like it. And I probably won’t ever like it.

Because Seth said he was okay with Saturday, I told Cedric that he could spend the night at Jacob’s because that’s when he’s having his birthday party.

Because I said Saturday was the day, Paul said, “I’ve got meetings for Stake Conference.”

What? Really? The first time since we’ve been here that you’ve decided to go to the meetings on Saturday? Hmmm. I guess I should really work on my Jedi mind reading skills.

Because I said Saturday was the day, Amena said, “But I wanted to go to Nick’s after work.”

Well, that’s a huge surprise. We can make all kinds of deals to get to his house for birthday parties for his cousin’s but your own brother doesn’t even rate? Right?

My solution is this: Amena can go to Nick’s after work. Paul can go to his meetings. Paul can pick Amena up on his way home. Problem solved.

Will they like it? Probably not.

Do I care? Not at this point.

***

Maddie baby. She's the cutest little girl around, let me tell you. She had eaten all her pears and had some milk and still thought she'd give her book a chew, too. This is from the 21st.

I wasn’t going to make hot chocolate for Amena and Cedric this morning because a couple of days ago, Amena made a big deal about the fact that I’ve made a big deal about the fact that she didn’t wash the thing that she takes hot chocolate in but I’ve never made a big deal about Cedric not washing the one he uses. I went ahead and made hot chocolate anyway, and told Cedric that if he wanted some, he’d have to wash the thing. I don’t even know where he put it from yesterday so there’s no way I could wash it. Amena at least put hers in the sink but I didn’t wash any dishes this morning. So, there’s hot chocolate on the stove getting cold. I’m sure Seth and Joseph will be happy to have some once they get up.

***

Kitty was helping me read. She's a big help, as you can see. From the 23rd.

The water here usually doesn’t taste very good in the morning so I’ve developed this habit of drinking a cup of tea when I get up. I’ve run out of all the ones I like and I went through everything that’s here and tried something that seemed promising yesterday. It wasn’t that great so I went through the shelf that Paul has his tea, etc., on. I didn’t find anything that I wanted to try because although there are some I like, they are meant to be made by the quart as iced tea and that’s not what I want right now. Although, now that I think about it, I could just make that much and drink it hot. A quart isn’t really that much more than I have to begin with. Well, you know, sort of.

What I did find was two open boxes of Truvia. That’s the stevia sweetener that Paul likes to use. There were five or six unopened boxes as well. Most of them were hiding and he looks for things about as well as some children I know so I guess it’s natural that he would think there weren’t any which is why he bought some a month or few ago to take to work. There were two opened boxes of Swiss Miss Dark Chocolate hot chocolate mix. There was a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup still in its wrapper that bugs ate through. There was an open and partly used box of lasagna that had had bugs in residence.

I ended up emptying four boxes and there is now actually a bit of wiggle room on that shelf. I also ended up trying some of the tea that there had been two open boxes of. I know that Laura liked it when she was here (that tells you how long it’s been around and the scary thing is that there is some tea here that has been here longer than I have). It’s okay but I’m not a big fan.

***

The clouds were really pretty yesterday with the layers and sunlight. There was an even more incredible view toward the west but by the time I got to the school in Barre, it wasn't as amazing so I didn't take a picture.

Yesterday afternoon Seth and Joseph got to go to the church for games and a possible movie as a kind of birthday party for Seth. They both reported that they had fun which is always nice to hear. I dropped them off and went to Barre to pick Cedric and Jacob up. Then I was home for a bit before going back to church to meet Katie.

Cedric texted earlier in the afternoon asking if he could spend the night at Jacob’s. On a weekday night? I don’t think so.

On the way home, he asked if he could play soccer on Sunday because there’s going to be a tournament at Clark University in Worcester and Jacob is going. Jacob’s mom is supposed to have emailed me information about it. I haven’t even looked at my email since early yesterday afternoon so I don’t know what the details on it are.

I asked Meredith if she could give Seth and Joseph a ride home because my plan was to be out with Katie and Erin for a prenatal. She was able to, yay!, and the boys traded the snow stuff that Tyler left here Tuesday for my rubber boots that he accidentally wore home that day.

Katie texted at some point in the afternoon to say they were going to leave an hour early to go to Korean. I was welcome to go or meet them at the appointment. At first I thought, “Korean? Is that a new client or something?” No, dope head, it’s a kind of food. An hour early still gave me time to pick Cedric and Jacob up so it was all good and I got to the church, which is an excellent meeting place for many of our destinations to the east, a few minutes early. When Katie pulled in, there were two cars behind her so I thought I needed to hurry and get in her car so they could get by (I think they could have if I’d have thought about it). When I got in, she said that Christiana, Katie’s daughter was going with us and would sit on the stairs during the appointment and that Erin was in her car, and Erin’s friend was in her car which is why there were three cars. Katie was in the lead because she’d have me and I’d be able to tell them which exit for the Korean restaurant.

That was a blast. Really. On the way there, I got to listen to Christiana talking about group chats and it was amazingly similar to Amena’s discussions about group chats. When we were at the restaurant, Katie retold the story of a parrot that one client has who likes to choke himself; absolutely hilarious.

I got home at a reasonable hour not too much after nine, and Paul got home not long after that. I thought I was going to get all kinds of reading done but I didn’t. I did get a few pages, but not nearly as many as I wanted to. Paul brought home one of those huge avocados that is almost ready to eat. Sometimes the pits are so big you get almost no actual avocado; I’m hoping this isn’t one of those.

Today Seth and Joseph have dentist appointments so we’ll do that and read a few pages of The Fellowship of the Ring and I’ll get some reading done and I’ll make ice-cream and maybe Seth’s cake. Seth isn’t happy about going to the dentist on his birthday and both boys asked if I could reschedule. Their appointments have been rescheduled and forgotten too many times already so I didn’t. If I had, I’d be going with Katie and Erin to a prenatal in New Hampshire for a client I haven’t met yet who is due in March. Next visit I’ve got to go.

Anyway, that’s that. Have a terrific day.

Words. Just Words.

Good morning. I have some wax from old candles melting and it is almost time to get school started for the boys. I was going to sit and read because I’ve got 36 pages of Anne Frye to read before I finish an assignment, take a quiz, and move on to the next section; I even put my hot chocolate over by the couch. However, I needed to use the bathroom so while I was thus occupied, I braided my hair. When I was done, I decided that it had been a while since I’d done anything here and so I would do that rather than read. After all, it is only 36 pages and I’ve got enough time to do it without spending these past ten minutes on it. Right?

I actually typed a few paragraphs earlier this month. One of them has to do with showers. I said, “You should never complain about people taking long showers when you have the water running for twenty-seven minutes. Just FYI.” This morning I took a shower and was dressed while the water in the other bathroom was running. I no longer feel bad about taking a little more time in the shower upon occasion or taking more than one during the summer.

This morning I let the dog out and sat on the couch in the room-that-isn’t-the-library-or-dining-room-or-entry between the stairs and the fireplace to vegetate because my eyes felt something akin to sandpaper due to the fact I stayed up until about 11:30 last night finishing an assignment. I know I shouldn’t stay up so late when I need to get up early but for some stupid reason, I do it anyway. Kitty decided she wanted some lap time so I pet her and scratched her neck which of course sent her to kitty nirvana. We would have continued had it not been for the barking of the canine; she wanted back in. I disturbed Kitty, forcing her back to the harsh realities of life, and let Misty in. Then I busied myself washing some dishes and making hot chocolate for Cedric and Amena to take with them. For some reason, I have to use the bathroom every now and then, twice so far just today. When I was done this time, I went through the library toward the kitchen and discovered that the mangy mutt (she isn’t either, really, but I was annoyed) had both peed and pooped on the floor. She’d been out earlier, for goodness sake! I expressed much displeasure as I mopped and picked up the mess before resuming hot chocolate and wax melting duties.

When last I typed, I also mentioned a dream that I’d had. It was interesting enough I’d like to include it now so here you go:

I’d gone to a birth with Katie and Erin but for some reason, I’d taken Amena and the three boys. Joanna and Maddie were there, too, and Laura and Blaine lived in the same town. During the prodromal labor, for which everyone was there (why?), I walked to the library and discovered this really awesome place that had stone steps down to a creek. There was some snow and dirt and rocks on some of the steps and some of the steps went down into the water. I determined that while I didn’t have the time right then to explore, I would return and do so later. I returned to the home where the birth was eminent and fell promptly to sleep and therefore missed the birth. When I woke up from the nap in the dream I was going to walk to see Laura but decided that we’d all been there for entirely too long and was beginning the process of gathering everyone and all their stuff so we could all leave when I woke up from the dream. I think that the part before the nap was before I got up to use the bathroom and the rest was after. So, if I’d not gotten up, maybe I wouldn’t have missed the birth.

Tomorrow is Seth’s birthday. He’ll be 13. Holy cow.

Have a fantabulous day!

A Window

My day today has thus far looked an awful lot like yesterday. Last night I sent Joanna a text saying, in effect, “I don’t think I’m sick but I feel like I’m fighting something off. Just so you know.”

Her response was that she’d call out today. I do not blame her. It is important to keep the little ones healthy and while I was really looking forward to having Maddie today, I would not want to be guilty of inadvertently passing something on to her.

Look at this! I decided this poor spider needed to be transplanted not realizing it was in a pot in a pot.

I didn’t get up as early today. Just before six rather than sometime between four and five. I still didn’t sleep as well as I’d’ve liked and although the idea of staying in bed was nice in some ways, in others it was not.

This is what it looked like inside the pot inside the pot. I had to tear the roots that were between the pots off. Poor thing.

I’ve had two cups of tea and one of hot chocolate. The two cups of tea are the same as the first two from yesterday. The hot chocolate has habanero in it. The goats are fed and watered and Zoey is milked. Not only did Joseph have tea this morning, so did Amena and Tyler (who spent the night). They all and Seth had breakfast. I’ve folded three or four loads of laundry and washed two. One is in the drier, the other is waiting. I’ve washed dishes although there are a few more dirty now.

I was thinking about using the square red pot but decided the big black one would be better.

All I really want to do is knit and work on paperwork but if I sit, I feel like I’m freezing. If I’m up moving around, I feel fine. I know it is cold in the house but still…

Maybe I should make bread. The only problem is that all the kinds I really want to make require starting a sponge or starter the night before.

I think it's much happier now. What do you think? This was on September 29, by the way.

Maybe I should take a shower. That will warm me up a bit. The only problem with that is that Amena needs a ride to work in ten or fifteen minutes. When I get back from that, I probably will take one.

No matter what happens, there are always lots of things to do. Always lots of things to do that I don’t really want to. Always lots of things that I do want to do. Never enough time for everything.

Right now I’m drinking hot chocolate and thinking about the many things to do. And wondering about things. Life surely is interesting, isn’t it?

A Picture

Good morning! Let me tell you about my day.

This was in the parking lot when I was waiting for Amena to get out on December 27.

I woke up at two something because my feet were cold, my head still hurt, and I needed to use the bathroom. I checked the time first because Cedric wanted to be woken up at 5:00. It wasn’t even close. I thought about finding my rice pack for my feet but decided to just use the bathroom and hope that my feet would warm up since the rest of me, other than my head, was quite warm. I went to sleep with my hand on my head and woke up with warm feet and a sweaty forehead. That was at four something. I thought I’d see about a few minutes more sleep but quickly decided that wasn’t happening so I got up, made some tea (Tension Tamer) and waited until 5:00 to make sure Cedric was awake. I held Kitty and drank tea and told Cedric I’d make hot chocolate when he asked if I would.

The clouds and sky were just pretty this particular day (December 28).

Then I made hot chocolate and because my tea was almost gone decided to make some for me. Because I didn’t think cayenne would cut it, I put habanero in mine. Tasty.

I got hot chocolate poured for Cedric and Amena to take with them and drank mine. Then I milked the goat and fed them and all that fun stuff. I looked for the hoof trimming tools which Paul said were in the barn near to where they’d been before he took some big things out. They were actually near, but they were buried under a bunch of other stuff and I didn’t actually find them until I took water out to the goats later.

Then I told Paul I didn’t want to go to our appointment in Nashua because of the headache and being exposed to people in varying degrees of having a cold in the past couple of days and the snow. It was snowing. Not a lot. He said that we are supposed to give them 24-hours’ notice. I told him that I didn’t know at 9:00 yesterday morning that I was going to feel like I needed to stay home.

Seth is definitely Daniel's brother. He wanted to help make tortillas on the 3rd and actually did most of the work.

Then, you know, life kept on happening. Paul needed a ride to the tire place so he could pick up Blaire’s truck and take it to work. I don’t know what the deal was but the traffic on 68 was something. It was steady and took probably five minutes to get out. I’d already decided not to go home that way because there were the Asplundah people cutting trees and brush on the side of the road right at the bottom of the hill by the house.

Also like Daniel, he does not like his picture to be taken. I wanted to get him in there but as you can see, was not successful.

I made more tea (Echinacea Plus) for me and some for Joseph (some kind of berry) and told Seth and Joseph to shake a leg because it was time to rise and shine. Seth wanted hot chocolate so I warmed up what was left from Amena and Cedric and thought he’d probably want more so I made more and warmed up mine because my tea was almost gone. I also called to let them know in Nashua that we would not be there. I also called the dentist because somehow I missed the fact that Seth and Joseph had dentist appointments this morning. Those and Amena’s that we missed last week are all rescheduled for later this month.

Then Seth and I had some hot chocolate and we got school started. They did pretty well getting things done yesterday in spite of everything which is very nice.

Now it is first recess time and I need more tea.