No Words

I was perusing Facebook earlier and saw one of those posts that you never want to see. The feelings come flooding back and your heart aches for the family who will be, indeed already are, aching. Joseph said, “Why are your eyes red?”

My eyes are red because there are no adequate words to describe the feelings I have.

Another day, it is sometimes hard to believe how quickly the time passes by, the feelings are still present. As I was on my way home from picking Amena up last night, a Creed song was on the radio. It wasn’t the one I’ll post here, but it reminded me of this one. “Children, don’t stop dancin’; Believe, you can fly. . . away. . . away. . .” and “Although I hurt, I must be strong, Because inside I know that many feel this way.”

The other day, I was going somewhere, to pick Cedric and Jacob up from the school, I think, and I was listening to the radio again. Listening to the radio is difficult because I’m kind of picky about what I want to listen to and although many stations play what I like, they don’t always. So, it’s a crap shoot as to if I’ll hear something I actually want to listen to. It does happen. And this particular day, this came on. I’ve listened to this before and I’ve cried because some of the words perfectly describe how I feel. “I love you, I’ve loved you all along, And I miss you, Been far away for far too long. I keep dreaming, You’ll be with me and you’ll never go…”

On this particular day, I was thinking about how Daniel might feel. I know he has an eternal perspective now that I don’t because I’m still here and he isn’t, but when the song came to, “I’ll forgive you…” it was like Daniel speaking. That was powerful. It still is. I needed that because there still is, and might always be while I’m alive, a piece of me that can’t forgive myself. I know that there is a reason for everything and I do not believe in consequence. I know that I don’t know everything but I know that if I do everything I need to, I will be able to be with Daniel again. If I did not know this, I would “stop breathing (because) I don’t see you anymore.”

This morning while I was looking for that video to share with you, I ran across this one. I had never watched the official video because I like to think I don’t have time to just sit and watch videos; most of the time I really don’t. Still, I watched this and it’s almost perfect. The girl goes through life seeing her father at all these important milestones but it turns out that he really wasn’t there, she was seeing the ghost of what could have been. That is something that I, and every other parent who has a child graduated from mortality, must live with every single day. In spite of what I believe and know, I still miss what could have been.

Yesterday I asked Cedric how Nick is. Nick is Jacob’s brother. He got cancer and has been fighting the fight but is losing. Cedric said, “He’s bad; he can’t even move.” Amena reported that the friend of a friend said that he might not make it through the night two nights ago. Yesterday on Facebook, his mom reported that he’d be earning his angel wings soon. My heart aches.